Read at your own risk

ARIES
Focus on your inner child and anticipate its next outburst. When Jupiter aligns with Mars and the Star of Bethlehem inclines to gluttony, give the little fart a good whack.
TAURUS
Overhearing the domestic troubles in the House of Aries, you are not allowed to lull into lassitude and submission. Pay extra for the role of Domintrix this Monday p.m. and all will become clear. Shopping tip: Camilla has spurs on sale til Wednesday.
GEMINI
The twins are at it again. To placate their disagreeabilities take two Atavans on Monday a.m. and play a diversionary tactic by accessing your Cardinal’s ethereal configurations in the Akashic Sky. Tell him you’ve got three to one on Tattrazini in the fourth.
CANCER
Just shave. Thank me later. Who loves ya baby?
LEO
Give media appearances a rest. Too much intensity in Saturn’s third lip-ring will prove to be an eating disorder… and you know how the press just love it when you go anorexic. Borrow some chocolate from Mars and stay in this week with coco-buttered popcorn and Michael’s throw-offs. (Don’t keep his underwear.)
VIRGO
On the cusp of the Rising House of the Sun-Drenched Cancer of the Colon, ask to switch with Capricorn. Can’t hurt to wear those shoes for a week. Use in-soles to prevent lesions.
LIBRA
Feeling half-hearted? That’s because your moon is not shining where it counts. But the sun is. Now is a good time to schedule a colonoscopy. He who hesitates is apt to go astray, darkly.
SCORPIO
The passing owl missed its moment. Lucky you. More fur on those legs might help too. The sun changes signs on Wednesday so make up your mind: For Sale by Owner or Not Hiring? Or flip over, wiggle those furry jobs and use neon: This Place For Rent.
SAGITTARIUS
Striving to make sense of it all dimishes the good humour. With your Moon in retrograde and Marjorie’s House in view, buy a truck and sell ice cream. Try not to salivate.
CAPRICORN
Borrow a bunion from Virgo and exercise your authority with an extreme sense of caution as you navigate around the debauched detritus emanating from Leo’s House. DO NOT borrow the panties.
AQUARIUS
When the moon is in the seventh sun, you’ve been watching too many retro movies and munching on Leo’s popcorn was a serious misplay. Stay up on Sunday to watch pro football to rekindle your sense of machismo and timing, then risk it all watching another moon passing over the ambisexual content of Footballers' Wives.
PISCES
You’ve been passed over by the gruntisaurusly-sexual nature of an episode of Desperate Rugby Players. Wait until your House in is Leo’s undies before asking him “What’s it all about, Leo?" (accent on “O"). If you hear Hey Jude, you know you’ve been eclipsed by David Cassidy’s moonwalking impersonation of Frank Zappa. Another toke?


THE DAY BEFORE A NEW POPE
Well with all this punditry and guesswork going on as to who the next Pope will be, Allow Yours Truly to throw in his uneducated wild guess: Dionigi Tettamanzi. He’s Italian and in a way that’s a safe bet for a traditional institution, charming, and non-threatening. The radical shift to a South American or African Pope can wait a few years yet.