A Speculative List

Educated
Must be informed well enough not to be easily waylaid by wrongheaded ideas.

Single
No distractions from one’s private and intense relationship to the infinite.

Healthy
No abiding ailments to disturb one’s appreciation of well being.

No pets or children
Not only distractions of a daily and significant sort but bearing children prior to one’s own emancipation is an invitation to emotional and spiritual disaster. Pets can also tend to become love objects.

Self-employed
Not exposing oneself to the dictates of an unenlightened person every day.

Unattached to excessively luxurious possessions
False pride in baubles of any kind is the antithesis of freedom.

Avidly literate
Exposing oneself to many ideas helps in expanding and readying the mind. Similar to working a muscle.

Loose in opinions/not stiff-necked and of generally a positive attitude.

More next week.

"The flowering arbutus heralds the trembling ground and angry waters abound. A frenzied wind across the forests tells of a looming ferocity."


HORRORSCOPES
by Ms Urble


Trust Ms Urble to straighten them all out! 

(Read at your own risk)

Aries - (March 21-April 19)
Try not to make any enemies now for a fortnight. Pluto’s on a rampage and will be in your house late this week after he abuses Olive Oyl. During this same period, disapproval from authorities and relations with your wife’s sister are in the cards. It’s a lousy hand and may cause a life-upheaval especially given the fact that the name of your sister-in-law’s husband is Mars.

Taurus - (April 20-May 20)
If you refuse to get engaged, you're protected; if you get engaged, you abandon all hope. So while Pluto is preoccupied with the pathetic Olive Oyl, disengage from all covetous thoughts of Pluto’s younger brother. For six days, your books will be in the black and charitable thoughts cross your mind as briefly as the lifespan of a wasp making a beeline to an electrocuting rod. Plan for chaos. Do not endeavour to reattach moth wings during a full moon.

Gemini - (May 21-June 20)
Your energy's on somebody’s back burner but your charm rises with every new pill. Chase money Sunday and plan for travel after your schemes go awry. Frustrate the feds when they show uninvited on your cusp and have no shame rushing to judgement of Popeye’s infidelities. Eat his spinach with an oily spoon on the evening of the eclipse.

Cancer - (June 21-July 22)
Pessimism continues to visit you, but ever onward. Beware of the obsequious bearing Moses teeth but vote for grinners and howlers after they retreat from the House of Jupiter. Despite your growing malaise, your love of hamburgers grows more secretive for the rest of May. Ask Wimpy for counselling but promise him nothing. Otherwise, all the red meat will be taken and there’s only one toothbrush.

Leo - (July 23-Aug. 22)
Pursue your illusions. Risk all, deepen your debt until mid-July. Then declare bankruptcy to leverage your spiritual pivot zone. Take this advice to heart after signing waiver. The same goes for your sexual investments – absolute foolhardiness is in demand now and your star is rising. Use more V but no KY. It’s a postmark not a scar. Lick that envelope.

Virgo - (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Bosses, authorities and parents view you with disdain if not outright contempt. Beaming with radiant pride probably ill-advised. Hire professional excuse-maker on the sabbath and send Madonna a few vibes for good luck. Her Kabbalistic training will assure a response but she’ll charge. The bill will be detailed beyond a reasonable minutia but that’s the way she likes it. It’s all there in the akasha. Propose. She may be willing now that the pope is deceased.

Libra - (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Visitors from the clubhouse are coming over - be prepared! Luminol the back room! Ask Leah the Unhelpful to repent, but as she comes by her moniker for good reason it may be a chore. Justice will prevail, if he comes out of the closet on time. Make vroom vroom sounds to make like you’re impressed and hold your nose and blink when the wind breaks. Wear new colours. No joy in the old chaps. Back alleys hold promise.

Scorpio - (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are who you are in Relationship to Angels from the Melchizedek Tribe. Assume prime importance. Leap to the challenge but leave the upper echelons to the Caped Squirrels. The rest of May heightens your charms despite your futile attempt to divine the actual meaning of that Libra visitor you had yesterday. Melchi is twisted and he sings off key from the Book of Your Ants. Ask the library for a refund.

Sagittarius - (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your toodling attitude might serve you well under the reef but the firmament is over your head. It’s all akimbo since you started thinking in parallel dance steps and going vroom vroom on the layover is embarrassing to your chick. No more upskirt shots with that Pentacle lens unless you like slowbroiled headcheese. Tension and sweet harmonies give you pause until you pick up the cheque. Your wallet is withering what with all that sweetbread that went sour on the open market. Vote for Harpists on the Back Swing and watch for inflamed Tigers off the Cut. Placate with sponsorship offer. Send for a French Canadian to push the envelopes.

Capricorn - (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Shine on dewy moon, this is your lucky week. The sitters are overharvesting and you're on a tear with new equipment! Hail hail, the gang is not all here and you have moments of grace to pursue your own creative projects. Tackle these with utmost precision on Monday/Tuesday. Feelings blossom Wednesday to Friday. Don’t open a surprising money message which might come late this week. It’s an offer you want to refuse from the wind-breakers. Wear lavender to discourage unwanted advances. Expect some relief from West Nile pests with brainburning Deet. Virus okayed for dissemination according to Hobson’s Choice rules.

Aquarius -(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Money flows swiftly back up the Nile Virus. You could make a bundle but your account’s tied up with penalties emanating from the fine print. Don’t be cryptic, call on Elvis for rewrite. Expect visitation at midnight on the mark from the evil Friday. Practise laughter to divest the fatty cinnamon rolls of their cynicism. Smile heartily in the face of the consternated caped squirrel left behind by Scorpio. Know this: All light and pleasure belongs to the brave, and the righteous. Foil the enemy of Light. Trample fear. Then drain the bug juice from between your hooves. Chew the leather, stamp the infidel, champ at her bit. Don’t underestimate your toenails despite their low esteem. Pay her extra for a pedophile.